Just, Shut up
by theHappyness
Summary: I strongly believe that billions of years ago, I was a ball of evil that single handedly destroyed all life forms in the universe. And as punishment, god has given me, the biggest mouth of the century. SasuNaru rated M for language. chp2 up
1. All stories start with a Prologue

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Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.

Warnings: foul language

this is just the prologue... so just as a heads up, you do not need to read all of this chapter in order to know what's going on in the next.

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There are some words that are simply never meant to be said.

Words that shouldn't even be so much as mentioned out loud (forget thinking about them in your head).

Not even if the world is ending and you've got two seconds to get them out of your system before the sky is falling and you're getting smashed into oblivion beneath alien spaceships and crushed by flying frogs.

Not even, if you're being held at gunpoint and threatened to say them.

Why, you ask?

well.

Let me paint a picture for you.

Lets say you (male), kiss another person (female). Then, later on discover that this person, is in fact the very individual that your best friend has been head over heels for since preschool (and subsequently, the girl who he's been talking nonstop about since preschool. He told you everything. From how he almost peed in his pants from nervousness because she lightly skimmed her fingers against his while handing him a building block, to how he almost crashed his car into his lit professor because he was too busy staring at her, staring at the ground.) .

Do you tell your best bud that you just made out with her?

Well if you were an honest person, then yes.

But if you so happen to be one of the few "good" people out there today then...

ABSOLUTELY NOT.

You must be wondering. Why? Why lie to your friend like that? Isn't the basis of every relationship trust? and truths? Yet you_ lie_?

Well that's just plain wrong.

But see? That's the thing. It's so _right_ that people don't even realize it!

Take eating instant noodles as an example. Sure, eating all those nasty preservatives will probably give you cancer one day, and most likely deteriorate your health... but think of the goodness of the broth, those, soft, slippery noodles that slide oh-so-sweetly past your lips, and that simply heaven combination. Mmmmm. Très délicieux.

So right, right?

So, you see, you won't tell you're bud about the kiss because:

1. He's going to be really let down, cuz let's face it. He's honestly in LOVE with this girl (even though he's never talked with her. At least not normally. He guffawed at her once in the lunch line, and made her run away... but that doesn't count so much as a conversation as it does... well, a social disaster.)

2. It was only a onetime thing. It wasn't like you guys had sex and got pregnant or something. It's policy. No sex, no baby, no follow-up.

3. You two were so drunk that night that she probably doesn't even remember you. It was a frat party after all.

4. Friends tell friends white lies.

5. It's not even a lie since, well, nothing's being said.

6. If you do tell him he's going to be so mad that you won't be able to play on his new x-box come Saturday.

So after careful deliberation, you come to the conclusion that the pros by far, outweigh the cons. Thus, you don't tell him. And as fate has it, everything goes on just perfectly. Your friend never finds out, he gets to hook up with the girl, dates her, and you get full time free access privilege to his x-box because you were the one who set them up. Win – win for both sides huh?

So keep your mouth shut and everybody gets a happily ever after.

Don't believe the theory yet?

Fine then, Here, is another example.

Scenario 2:

Let's say that you're a teenager in high school.

One day, you're heading home from school with your report card that, once again, only hosts a number of disappointing D's and F's on it. You're really bummed out because you spent all of last week studying (playing on your game boy) for midterms (that are worth 50 % of your grade), but you know your dad is going to be far more disappointed, given that you pretty much promised him at least C's this time around. Plus, since he actually works at your school, he has to deal with you teachers and peers, constantly complaining about your (not so amusing) pranks (you stuffed spaghetti down your gym teachers track suit once. and this other time, you wired the projector in the science room (that is cared for by your outdated, and senile science teacher) to show porn, and convinced the teach that yeah, it's biology. It totally worked.). Thus, really want to pay him back for the trouble you've caused. by, for once, bringing home, a good report card.

And, it just so happens, that today, is his birthday.

So, when you get that life ruining report card in your hands, what cha gonna do?

well obviously.

BURN IT.

Now after you've lit the fire and poured on the oil, the next thing on your to-do list would be to forge a new one.

Thankfully, your best friend can make you one, since last year, you bought him this mail-ordered tailor made report card forgery set for his birthday. And let's say that this friend of yours isn't exactly the brightest pupil. However, his parents dream big, and hope he'll become a world renowned surgeon one day, and so, push him to "strive for higher mountains"(scream at him to get good grades.). Thus, obviously, he's used the set so much that he could seriously fake a report card down to it's last inch perfectly with his eyes closed. Needless to say, you're very confident in his ……

talents.

When you reach his home, you find out that it just so happens that his drug dealing older cousin is visiting today. With several six pack beers. So while your friend is making a straight C report card for you, you, are getting drunk off of cheap beer, and getting in on some serious male bonding with the cousin.

Before we go any further though, I need to make one point, very, very clear.

There are exactly three types, of stupid drunks. The first type, drinks, and laughs. The second, drinks, and tells. The third type, drinks, and self mutilates (embarrasses, goes wild, etc).

You and the cousin are type two. Actually, you're type two even without drinking.

After three beers the two of you are comparing sizes.

After six you're trading extensive knowledge of jacking off, and girl getting methods.

After eight he tells you he's actually only a three by two incher, and that he lied when he said he was a six by four.

After nine, you tell him that you made out with your cousin because you didn't realize that it was her. (It was a family reunion after TEN years. Anyone could have made the mistake. Charlie sure did.)

After ten he lets you know he's harboring millions of childhood insecurities, despite his tough guy exterior. Like how he's got a stunted toddler sized penis. That's smaller than his eight year old brother's.

After twelve you let him know your dad's a closet gay.

Let me make this known.

When you're drunk, laughing, and really, just pretty much OUT OF IT, the first thing on your mind is not going to be FUCK. I JUST TOLD MY FAMILY SECRETS.

No. It's going to be something like "laddi dadi da, I'm DRUNK! The sky is BLUE! I'm Happyyyy…. I'm not going to remember this tomorrow! I'm a boy! I don't have boobs but I have nipples! That's FUNNY. HAHAHA."

So when you get home with the new report card, you are NOT regretting telling your new drug dealing friend all those secrets.

As a matter of fact, you're in such a state of unexplainable Euphoria that when you hand over your fake report card to your dad, he's almost scared you've killed somebody. Like you math teacher whose stalked you since middle school, and made sure to be your math teacher ever since. And make your life hell. Although, killing him would be tempting, it's not something you've done. Yet.

Now, daddy dearest is SO happy about your grades that he decides that during his birthday dinner out with his new boyfriend, you can have your (as far as he knows) first cup of red wine.

Unfortunately, since you're already half intoxicated from the beers, the wine kind of pushes you over the edge.

The next three hours are a total blur.

There's something about a dildo, Gay people, stamps, slimming food products, and coconuts. None of which you can actually remember.

You wake up in your bed the next morning with a pounding headache the size of Jupiter that even shoving sixty aspirins down your throat can't cure. You can barely even see straight, don't even mention walking in a straight line.

You smell something really nice coming from downstairs. and judging from the scent(and the color of the sky outside), you guess that your dad's either making breakfast, or lunch. whichever one it is, you're totally going to eat it, since your starving.

Let's assume that it takes a whole lot of effort to get yourself out of your bed and onto the staircase, seeing as how you are suffering from a painful hangover. So, since you're too busy stumbling and tripping your way into the kitchen, you fail to notice the expression on your dad's face.

Now obviously, after your wild night, you're going to want to know what you've done in your alcohol induced stupor.

So you ask "What happened last night? I got piss drunk, and forgot everything." You throw in a small laugh to keep the conversation fun and lighthearted. You're expecting a laugh or some teasing from your dad except; it's dead silent.

and silence is never a good sign.

You look up. And there's your dad across the kitchen counter, frying pan in one hand, and spatula in the other.

And he is definitely not smiling.

No. Actually, he looks downright pissed. And then he says a lot of stuff that is not rated pg-13. Not even rated R. So we're going to cut it out. It goes something like this:

"YOU ------ want to know what---- ---- happened last night? --------! You-----, and -------, you know what? Now my------ boyfriend doesn't even----------------------- --------- date-----anymore! And you --------- --------- your report card!? And-------- -------------Got drunk? ------------ before---------- you had ----------dinner last night? You------------------ ---------! You are --------- grounded! For--------- forever------!"

And then he threatens to disown you.

Ouch.

Even reminding him that he adopted you with GOOD REASON doesn't seem to help much.

It seems pretty apparent that in your drunkenness, you told him about faking the report card. And your drinking habits. And possibly broke him and his boyfriend up. And turned the boyfriend straight. (But he wasn't that hot, so trust me, you. Did. Good.)

By the way, a week later, the whole town finds out your dad's actually gay, and that you kissed your cousin.

Oddly enough, the town is super supportive of your dad's coming out. He gets flowers every day on the doorstep, and he's bringing home napkins with numbers on them every night. When he goes to the supermarket he's getting mysterious smacks on the ass, and other single dads "accidentally" falling onto him to get the ice cream.

So he's doing pretty good.

But you…. You on the other hand are getting dirty looks and leery old ladies that whisper to each other when you pass by. There are also little kids throwing stones at you going "INCEST! INCEST!" as you walk by the park. Telling them that you're not blood related just makes it worse. All because of you and your big fat mouth.

And because of your friend's cousin (who you ruined by telling everybody about his seriously tiny tim.)

Either way, high school ends up being hell.

Lesson of the story?

DON' EVER TALK.

Well, here's the very Last one, although i'm pretty damn sure i've made my point loud and clear.

Scenario 3:

You're fresh out of college, and have somehow managed to (despite your horrid school records) score a small, but cozy apartment in the city. You've also gotten a fairly good job to stabilize your financial situation, with one of the largest companies in the entire world. However, your newly promoted boss hates you, and you hate your new promoted boss.

Being with him makes you want to quit.

Unfortunately, the pay at your job is good, the people are nice, and the entire situation is almost ridiculously stable, so quitting, is not an option.

But let's say, that on one normal work day, you're typing away on your computer, filling out forms and orders for an upcoming presentation. Suddenly, you get pulled into your boss's office about an important order you filled out two weeks back. Meanwhile, while dreading the meeting, you're thinking, "it's okay, it's all okay, you're boss is cool, sheek, and young. he's so cool. he's totally okay with it." to calm yourself down.

However, as soon as you step into the office and shut the door, your boss lets you know "hey! Guess what? You screwed up." With his usual, dirty and arrogant I-told-you-so smirk.

You suddenly remember how much you hate him.

Feelings aside, The order is problematic enough to get you fired.

So, now, what are you going to do?

1. you are not, groveling at his feet or kissing his ass. Obviously. You have pride. And you hate his guts. And he stole your promotion.

2. you're not Begging. Ew. No. gross. You HATE him. He stole your crush. You stole his watch.

3. you're not quitting. Your job's too good. Asshole boss's aside.

You suddenly realize that you've been considering your options for quite a while. Your boss has his arms crossed, and is tapping his fingers on his forearm, waiting for you to respond.

Now you're fidgeting a little under the pressure of your superior's glare. He's expecting you to say something, and despite the fact that he's still completely expressionless, you can tell he's being impatient. And apparently still convinced he's better than you and the rest of the world. Conceited bastard. It makes you want to punch him. Hard.

4. You are NOT punching him! Bad move. He'll fire you. The girls in the office will also kill you for ruining the "perfect visage".

Fuck. Thinking about how pretty he is kind of pisses you off more. And girls…. Thinking about girls…. And how he stole your crush….

So you punch him in a spur of the moment. He goes reeling backwards, and starts cussing you out.

"fuck, what was that for?"

He's bleeding a little from his lip, and a bruise is beginning to form at the corner of his twisted, evil mouth.

You're starting to regret having done that. Thinking back on all those unpaid bills, and the tabs at Ichiraku Ramen, you realize that you more than just NEED this job… your entire life of ramen depends on it too.

You're sweating, and panicking a bit now, since you've just discovered that you cannot afford to lose this job. Too bad you're such an "act first think later" type of person. You've probably already gotten yourself fired.

On the other side of the room, your boss is slowly, getting up. The way he's moving looks rather frightening.

All things considered, the punch was sort of uncalled for. Maybe if you discuss your problems and work out your differences in couple's counseling or something you could stay at your job.

You laugh out loud.

Yeah, like hell that's going to happen.

He's probably so pissed off right now, that he's going to try and beat you up a thousand times over. and then fire you.

well that's an appealing prospect.

Fuck. Now he's walking towards you, with the 'get ready to die' look stamped all over his face.

oh shit.

HE'S COMING FOR YOU. He's got this murderous glint in his eyes, and there's something in the breast pocket of his suit that's shiny and looks suspiciously like a knife.

You're seriously freaked out now. What kind of boss brings a KNIFE to work? You've heard stories about psychopaths who just go crazy and all of a sudden start killing their co-workers in the middle of the day but… you didn't actually think----

Come to think of it, didn't Billy from accounting disappear last week after going into the boss's office? And didn't Melanie from human resources vanish without a trace?

Oh no. So that's how it happened.

And they do say that all psychopaths are usually "normal" and seemingly "emotionless" as they lack "empathy". Which, by the way, describes your boss perfectly. Now when you put all the pieces of the puzzle together…. You get the big picture. And the big picture is that…

Oh god. He's a foot away from you.

So with all the adrenaline pumping through your blood vessels, you are going to do exactly, what instinct tells you to do.

You jump up, make a beeline for the door, smash it open, and run straight out of his office.

The big picture is that your boss is a murderer for fucks sake.

No way in hell are you going to stay and chit chat with the man that's going to KILL you now, are you?

Even after you've gotten out of your bosses office, you keep on running. Now that you know his secret… he's definitely going to chase you down, and slaughter you like a pig.

So, after running through countless hallways, staircases, and getting frightened stares from co-workers, you find yourself in the car park of your office building. Arguably, one of the last places you actually want to be with a murderer hot on your heels. For starters, you're all alone. So, if he finds you now… you're officially screwed beyond screwed. NO ONE will ever find you. Not even your mangled and mutilated body.

Sadly, while you're busy panicking, you don't hear your boss's footsteps, until his feet are practically right in front of you.

You turn.

Lo and behold! There's your homicidal boss. He's huffing and puffing from chasing you, but only a little. You stare at him for a bit, like a deer caught in the headlights, and watch, fearfully, as he opens his mouth and says

"I'm going to fucking kill you."

And then you're screaming, Shrieking like a banshee through the car park while, quite honestly, running for dear life towards the elevator, because as far as you're concerned, he's serious. Dead. Serious.

You're at the elevator, still screaming while pushing the buttons, except the elevator WON'T FUCKING COME.

Now that's just plain annoying. The elevator, never comes. Even when murders aren't chasing you or trying to kill you. The reason?

Because there's only ONE ELEVATOR in the entire fucking building.

You're seriously considering filing a letter to Uchiha Central to get them to get off their lazy rich asses and finally INSTALL another one. Nobody likes to wait a century and a half just for an elevator to take them up two levels.

Somewhere along the way, while you were getting angry at the elevator, you forgot that you were running away from your boss.

So when the elevator finally comes, you're stupid enough to hold it for him (and he's huffing and puffing to catch up to the elevator), and say

"How are you today Mr. Uchiha? I hope your morning's been agreeable."

Just like you do every morning when you get to work.

HA. Old habits die hard.

They apparently kill you too.

Slowly, he jogs in, and gives you this queer, 'what are you playing at?' look. When the door closes with a 'ding', you suddenly remember that you're running away from the man that you just let in.

Fuck.

You start screaming again, except you get cut off when your boss covers your mouth with his hand, and presses the emergency stop button with his other hand. It suddenly occurs to you that your boss looks a whole lot like the type that will chase down their victims and kill them, mutilate

them, in an elevator.

"Calm down Uzumaki. What is wrong with you?"

All the signs were there. Like, how every morning, he'd have this freaky "I'm happy but not really" look on his face when he was in the elevator… Or how he'd always be touching the elevator in some way. Like, grabbing at the railing, and pushing his back into the lift.

You have an elevator epiphany. Two actually.

1. boss has an elevator murdering fetish.

2. you're screwed.

You struggle a bit, and manage to get away from your boss.

"I'm a black belt in Kung-fu and I'm not afraid to use it!" which is not a total bluff. You do know kung-fu. The second part…. Not so much.

Your boss sighs.

"Uzumaki, what are you talking about?"

Let's just say you are so freaked out that you're not really listening to him. So what he really says turns into something like this in your head:

"Uzumaki, I am going to kill you –smirk- and tear you into a million pieces and feed you to your co-workers. Just like I did to Melanie. And Billy."

Naturally, You go (Since you're so brave):

"Yeah? Well bring it on! I'll beat YOU! I'll avenge Melanie and Billy!" And start punching and kicking like Tarzan.

Your boss sighs again.

"Uzumaki? What are you going off about? Is this about laying off the guy in accounting?"

"So is that the story you're going with? That you "laid them off" because of the economy?" You try to kick his shins. He dodges, effortlessly.

"No, it's not the "story" I'm going with, it's the truth. Now stop trying to attack me."

"Why? So I can let you kill me? NO WAY!" You throw a punch at his face. He sidesteps.

"What?" He has the blankest look on his face. Almost like he genuinely doesn't know what's going on. You try to sweep his feet away from underneath him. He jumps up without even looking. "You're not being, serious are you?"

You toss a rapid succession of punches, kicks, and head butts. You manage to land a weak kick on his shoulder. He growls, and grabs the offending leg. With it, he swivels, and pushes your back into the elevator door, while pulling your leg up until your knee is level with his hip.

"Calm down you moron. I'm not trying to" he's seething "Kill you."

"yeah right you jerk. Is that what you told Melanie?"

You Flail some more, and somehow, he's ended up between your legs. You assume he's trying to start something.

Thus, you wrap your arms around his neck, your head over his shoulder, and try to use your free leg to trip him, wrestle him to the ground.

Except all of nature is against you because he's been built a little heavier than you, and is impossible to push over. Worst of all, you're all over him now; like you're climbing a tree.

The position is almost suggestive.

If you were a girl that is.

You laugh out loud.

"Uzumaki, what is wrong with you?" comes the indignant words of your boss. Whom you are currently accidentally semi-hugging.

Come to think of it, suddenly laughing for no reason at all during a fight would make you look like a maniac, wouldn't it?

You pause, fighting and killing momentarily forgotten. You push your upper body away from his, to explain to him about the really ridiculous though you just had, and come, face to face with him. You nose is a mere inch away from his, and somehow, your legs are latched around his waist, while you arms have stayed around his neck. You want to start laughing again at the lover like position you two have ended up in.

"hahaha, man, Uchiha! isn't this just the mo--mmmph!"

Too bad you have the worst luck on earth, because the elevator gives a lurch, and one moment, you two are fighting to the death, and the next, you're kissing. Eyes wide open.

Except it's not really kissing, since there's no lip action. It's more like… CPR. Unromantic.

You pull away as quickly as you humanely can, and spit over your bosses shoulder. You look back at you boss, and he's making the most accurate impression of a fish out of water you've ever seen.

You Freeze. Now you're seriously freaking out. You know you should say something lest this turn into "an office rendezvous"(the office elevator porno you watched last night. Featuring a guy and a GIRL), and you really, don't want your boss to get the wrong idea.

Now, let me make it clear that your thoughts at this very instant are "say something! Say anything! Anything's better than nothing!"

So you're not thinking right.

Not right at ALL. As a matter of fact, you're too worried considering how to not make your boss kill you.

And in your craziness, you tell the homicidal, very heterosexual boss of yours that you hate:

"I love you."

And you kiss him again.

...

...

Point is, just shut up.

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	2. hear no evil speak no evil see no evil

I don't like boyfriends.

Specifically my dad's boyfriends.

Narrow the whole picture down to just a little dot and you'll see that what I really don't like, is his current boyfriend, whom, by the way, I didn't even know existed until yesterday.

Which really, I would have been perfectly content living my life not knowing he existed. I would have been perfectly content living my life not _ever_ knowing he existed. As a matter of fact, If given the choice, I would have gladly, jumped at the chance to know him as nothing more, than another face in the crowd.

Then I could've at least gone on living in the utopia of Naruto ignorance, where meeting your dad's boyfriend, does not appear anywhere, on your agenda. Instead, you'd be eating endless bowls ramen that fly through the air on little angel wings, and where the clouds are orange, the stars are black, and the sky is always, an off shade of blue. Where naruto (me) is always, always, blissfully, ignorant.

After all, Ignorance_ is_ bliss.

But, as usual, I get a rude awakening. Of course, dad, being dad, just has to tell me that he has a new lover, and invite me to meet him. And now, he's probably is going to ask for my approval about dating, because we're family, and family matters.

Suddenly, I'm hoping he disowns me.

Don't get me wrong. I love the man. Love love love the man. He is, by far, the most understanding and caring father in the whole wide world. He even has a father of the year award (Okay fine. So I made the award myself in second grade. And I was the only voter for the 'best father award'. And he was the only nominee. But hey. It's always the thought that counts.) to prove it. I mean, this one time, Dad had this abusive boyfriend, named Mizuki, who he loved so much that even though being with the rat bastard hurt, he never broke up with him. Mizuki was pure evil. He knew how to play the game… how to _manipulate._ He could handle both the candy and the whip… He knew what to say to get dad down. To lower his self esteem… to make him feel like he was nothing. And then, just as deftly, Mizuki would hug him. Kiss his tears away. Make dad feel like the only thing in the world that could ever care for him… was Mizuki. It was horrible to watch. But dad loved him too much give it up, and clung to him like a lifeline.

But when Mizuki finally tried to hit me… well, dad broke up with him straight away. No questions asked. No tears. No arguments… just… 'it's over'. Of course, afterwards, dad couldn't date anybody, or even look at a loving couple for more than two years.

But, loving him, is precisely the reason why I sho

But, loving him, is precisely the reason why I should never ever, meet his boyfriend. Because both dad and I KNOW that I'm going to say something crude and uncultured and ruin the budding romance of springtime lurrrve that the two of them share.

Come to think of it, why is he asking me to meet the boyfriend? Knowing the risk and all…

And knowing that in asking me to meet the man… I would most definitely wreck it…

now why would dad do something like that.

As far as I'm concerned he's a pretty sensible man, and unless he wants to me to break them up…. I don't see why he would invite me to meet the man.

Hmm… why why whyyy….. Think naruto. Think. Put the pieces of the puzzle together. Dad. Asking you to meet his boyfriend. Means… important? Either that or self-destructive… urgh… uh. Love? Hate? Breakup? Romance?

Gosh darn it. I can't think of a reason. I mean, I'm not actually dumb or anything. Just, slow. Actually, I think I may have lost a bunch of brain cells back in high school from sniffing all those sharpies. And man did they smell good. It was like the good kid drug. Ya know. For those of us who didn't want to get high off of drugs and other 'illegal substances', we would sniff sharpies. We even had a group, where every Tuesday after school, ten or so of us would each bring a different colored sharpie to the storage closet in school to sniff, and we'd pass them around in a circle, and rate from one to ten on which one was the best one. Problem is, by the tenth or so sniff, you wouldn't really remember which sharpie's which. Not to mention everything in the world is kind of spinning so you'd end up throwing up on the person next to you. So, we ended up aborting the group, since the janitor would come around after we'd all left, and find a collective pool of kids vomit on the storage closet floor, report it to the principal, who in turn, would believe that the school was going through some major bulimic, anorexic crazes, and would then, send all of us, freshmen, sophomores, juniors and seniors alike, to a self esteem seminar where we were taught to 'Embrace the body you were blessed with! Love the extra stuff!'.

Yeah. Even Chouji tried to jump of a bridge after the seminar.

Oh.

Jumping off a bridge huh? Now that's a fantastic idea. I could totally drive my car off a bridge right about now. No worries about daddy's new lover.

Too bad the last bridge I passed was about twenty miles ago.

Damn it.

I'm getting scared shitless of this whole stupid situation. Or maybe I'm just flat out dreading it. Whichever one is the most excruciatingly painful. Whichever one makes hacking yourself into pieces with a huge chainsaw, seem like a trip to the north pole where you sit nice, safe, and away from your dad's boyfriend, on Santa's lap.

This is like, daddyboyfriendophobia x 10.

I don't even know shit about the guy yet, and I'm already half way into a full blown in-your-face anxiety attack. And seriously. Am I _hyperventilating_? As in 'I can barely breathe'? Like if I don't go to a hospital right now I'm going to die from suffocation?

Because that is exactly what I need right now. You know. To get shot or something, since meeting my dad's boyfriend is probably going to be a million times worse than death.

Really now… come on. I just found yesterday that the boyfriend even existed. At least give me some warning so that I can prepare before I accidentally completely ruin three lives simultaneously (i.e. Mine, dad's, and the boyfriend's).

You know, a little extra information on the guy would be really helpful.

I mean seriously. Am I supposed to know about him? Is this like in Heroes? And all of us humans have gone through some genetic mutation and ended up with superhuman powers and I'm supposed to be Angela Petrelli?

Because that's just bull shit. I ain't got no future seeing power.

What do I got is an extremely non-informative phone call from my dad last night that went something like this:

Brinnnnng. Briiiiing. Briiii--- Click.

Hello? Naruto speaking."

Cough.

"hi Naruto, its me."

"oh hey dad. What's up?"

Sigh.

"Oh nothing really. just wanted to let you know---" inhale. "I'vegotanewboyfriendthatyou'regoingtomeettomorrowfordinneratsevenhere. Great! So I'll see you then! Goodbye."

And then he hangs up and unplugs all of his landlines, cellphones, internet, and probably his credit cards too.

Which, really, the entire dinner plan is just dandy and all… but too bad I **NEVER ACTUALLY CONSENTED TO IT**. Since I couldn't call dad back to let him know that I 'can't make it', I am currently, driving through my dad's neighborhood at six thirty pm in my very old, run down, Volkswagen beetle (aka. Punch buggy) that makes it sound like I'm always in the middle of a war zone (since the engine is loud, old, and dying. I'm half deaf because of it.), going back to the house that I haven't lived in since freshman year of college, for dinner.

Really. Somebody shoot me. Please.

This, is one of the many lifetime moments that I endure through, while constantly repeating in my brain, 'run away. Run away. RUN AWAY'.

What? Do they expect me to turn up at the front door and go "Why Hello there! I'm the boyfriendaphobic son. It's just fantastic to meet you mr. i-have-never-heard-of-you-in-my-entire-life."

Yeah.

No.

I've recently set up incense sticks in my apartment, and I've been praying to them every morning and night, that something, _anything _will happen so that I won't ever have to set eyes on that man. And I'm a freaking Atheist.

I've prayed that the boyfriend will suddenly get cold feet, and have a massive psychological breakdown. Or that he suddenly gets an urgent business call from mars where he'll stay for the next two centuries, effectively canceling any future contact between me and him.

Better yet, I could take matters into my own hands and crash my car into his on my way to dad's, and both of us would be so incapacitated that we wouldn't be physically ABLE to meet for a while. Preferably ever. I honestly wouldn't mind instigating a lifelong coma. I probably wouldn't feel any guilt afterwards either.

Point is, I REALLY don't want to meet this guy. Not in the least. I don't even want to go back to my hometown, because oh….

I don't know…

maybe since everybody there is convinced that I'm wrong in the head, and slept with my cousin.

Which in my defense,

I

DID

NOT

DO.

So we kissed. A little, tiny, itsy bitsy kiss. It didn't really even count, and it was completely harmless! You don't see the two of us married with six hillbilly kids now do you? I didn't even touch her boobs (they were like, quintuple A's. I wouldn't have been able to touch them even if I tried. Really. There_ NOT EVEN THERE_.)

Anyways, what is the big deal with cousins kissing? Einstein's parents were cousins and look at what an amazing person they brought into the world! The man who invented… televisions? Or was it internet… OH! It was definitely computers.

Either way. Those two did a whole lot more than just kissing to get a genius from there, to here. As far as I can guess, they went the whole nine yards. Touched all the bases. Rodeo-d the horse. Whatever you want to call it.

Bottom line is, I DON'T WANT TO MEET MY DAD'S BOYFRIEND.

There is a very good and completely valid reason as to why I don't want to meet him.

Trust me on this one.

The deal is… I've religiously ruined my all of my dad's potential relationships since middle school. Not even on purpose mind you… It's like, once they've met me, they're out the door and gone.

I'm seriously the 8th wonder of the world that never was. I even have a name for myself.

It's "Naruto--- the glorified boyfriend straightner." And the punch line is "because he turns gay guys straight."

Yeah. That's right. I'm just that good. I've managed, to psychologically, damage someone to the extent that they have to change their sexuality.

Case #1: The huge ass mouth.

In 7th grade, there was this cute little lady that came home with dad with armfuls of food for the three of us to share. Because I liked her(the food she brought), I might have let it slip that daddy liked to go to an all male gym. And I possibly said that he went a lot. And there is this minute chance that I also told her that he didn't go there to work out. And then let her know that he actually went there to stare and blush. But that's beyond the point.

The point is, that the next day, she was gone. Poof. Without a trace.

It was after that, that daddy dearest started bringing home guys. And seriously, some of them were just….

Unsuited, for the family. Like, really, really unsuited.

…

…

…

Damn it they were fucking apes.

Not to be rude or anything but they didn't look human at all.

There was this one guy who had hair on every single inch and crevice of his body except on his pubes. Which, he told me, he waxed.

Yeah that's right. WAXED. Went to a special waxing salon where he'd wax ONLY his pubes. Where he held his dick and screamed bloody murder because he decided "oh my! Why don't I get waxed around my crotch only! So then I can have one square patch of clean skin while everything else is under my hair! YAY!"

Dear father forgive me for I have sinned.

I must confess:

I broke them up.

Okay fine. So I'm not sorry. As a matter of fact, I'm damn proud of it. It was son-ly love, and for his own good.

Problem is, dad wasn't really saying "it's all cool, I love you son, you made the right choice". It ended up closer to "I'm going to kill you and mind your own beeswax."

Yeah.

I have a huge ass mouth that needs to stay very very shut.

As for Dad's current boyfriend…

For starters, I don't even KNOW the man. No name, no address, no nothing. Not even a picture. And I'm pretty damn sure dad doesn't want me to accidentally break them up.

Deal is, I am going to freak out if I see the man. I don't care who he is, but he's already been destined to be a goner.

I can imagine it already. Boyfriend walks into house. Boyfriend kisses dad. Dad introduces boyfriend to Naruto. Naruto slips up and tells boyfriend that dad is entertained by hairy men. Boyfriend is a hairy man. Boyfriend becomes offended. Boyfriend leaves. Dad kills Naruto. Naruto dies.

That's really unappealing.

Dear god, you know what? I think I'm going to head back to my apartment right now. That's exactly what I'll do. Go back to my apartment and watch star wars, one through six all over again. And tell dad that I didn't hear his phone call asking me where the hell I was, because I was too enthralled by Darth Vader wheezing through his mask the ever so famous "I am your father" line to Luke Skywalker in episode V: the empire strikes back. Oh, and on my way back, I can drop by the grocery store and grab some more ramen, and have a ramen fest.

I don't care what anybody thinks anymore. This entire situation is way too intimidating. Beyond my control, and anyone who knows me will probably advise me to run away. Because they KNOW I can't do any good. That I'll ruin everything. Plus, star wars sounds so much more exciting.

As a matter of fact, I will. I'm going to go to Mexico. Land of new opportunities. And I'm going to get a poncho, sombrero, and learn the chacha.

Oh-la-la. Cheers to a new start.

I can see it now. The beach babes. The sexy languge. The fajhitas… all that yum-yum stuff…. Mmmm…..

Fuck. I'm totally driving south of the border right NOW.

I turn my car around and start driving back. Someone honks their horn at me. Absentmindedly I note that for once, there's a car horn out there that's louder than my decade old engine.

If I go to Mexico, I'm going to need a map. One that charts all the major highways through continental North America. As well as easy routes into Mexico. Come to think of it, I'm probably also going to need travel documents. Like, a passport, and a Visa maybe? Or was it a green card…

Red card? Damn this is really scrambling my brains. I usually leave the heavy thinking to other people. Like Shikamaru. Or Sakura.

I take a second U-turn to face the direction I was headed in before.

The thinking is totally not worth it. I'd rather get tortured by my dad.

The shitty car behind me honks again.

AGAIN. But this time, it's longer and more drawn out. More impatient.

Ugh. You know what pisses me off? Retards that decide "oh hey! There's this nice little button in the middle of my steering wheel! Maybe I should press it just because I am such a impatient asshole of a human being."

Seriously. Ever learn a little thing called MANNERS?

Like how to be patient? And understanding?

And how not to HONK YOUR GODDAMNED HORN?

I shove my foot onto the brake pedal, and satisfyingly, hear the car behind me screech to a messy stop.

Oh yeah that right. The assholes going to regret the day he met Uzumaki Naruto.

He's going to come out of his car, begging, and kneeling at my feet, kissing my ass, and---

He honks a third time.

What. The. fuck.

Did he—did he just HONK at me?

Again?

Okay, that is IT.

Angrily, I toss seatbelt aside, jump out of my car, and scream at the car behind me:

"HEY YOU SHITHOLE! STOP HONKING YOUR STUPID HORN!"

Actually, it's pretty dark, but, now that I get a good look, the car behind mine seems pretty nice. Like, really, really, nice.

It's black, all sleek, and shiny, designed for speed and power. The windows are tinted, but it quite obvious that with an exterior like that, the interiors bound to be full leather seating.

Filthy rich bastards.

Funny thing is, the more I look at it, the more it starts to look like one of my company's cars.

Until I've squinted it into being one of my company's cars. Validated name plaque and everything.

Oh no. don't tell me it's the CEO or something… or one of the partners of the company or---

…

…

…

Fuck fuck FUCK. It just hit me.

You know who else drives one of those cars?

My boss. Uchiha Sasuke.

The man I kissed and confessed to a month ago.

The man that I've managed to avoid for the past month with no problems.

The man who is going to screw me over and kill me with his breast pocket knife.

No _no_ no _no_ NO. HE FOUND ME.

And I probably just pissed him off more.

Gosh, someone should really pay me for being this talented at screwing my life over in every way possible.

Wait a minute. He's in his car right now. I'm out of mine, and out in the open. Which means…. Logically and calmly speaking of course…

OH MY GOD HE IS GOING TO RUN ME OVER.

And he's going to cover the entire murder up because he's got money, fancy cars, and pretty girls.

This cannot be happening.

I'm supposed to die protecting the world from Megatron! Or taking a bullet for the president! Not die getting run over by my boss in some dingy neighborhood street because he hates me.

NO WAY JOSE. Nu uh. Not today. You're not getting this body.

I jump back into my car, and start driving for dear life. Which, apparently, is thirty miles per hour, given my orange punch buggy and the narrow streets.

The black car is creeping along right behind me.

Why? Why me? Why is he following me? WHY DOES HE WANT TO KILL ME SO BAD?

In the back of my mind, I absentmindedly note, that my reactions, are slightly surreal and irrational. But I'm a little too busy getting away from my psychotic boss right now. So I'm good being crazy with irrationality. It gives me a nice adrenaline rush.

Dad's house is coming up on the left, and I pull into the drive as fast as I possibly can. The other car follows suit.

Seriously. This is like, déjà vu. Very very bad déjà vu. And with cars instead of feet, and neighborhoods instead of carparks.

Carefully, I park my car, and shut off my engine.

And I wait.

Okay. No. As far as I know, Sasuke has ninja throwing stars with him, and is planning on impaling my back once I leave my car. So the best course of action would be to wait until he comes out, and jump on him so that he can't do anything.

I wait some more, and listen.

For a while, there's nothing. No sound, no motion, no changes. Then, suddenly there's a click.

And a click mean… pulling… and that means pulling something off…. Which means…

Fuck! He has a grenade!

I start scrambling for the door, and am at the front door of the house in record time. I throw myself inside without ringing the doorbell, because there's a freaking murderer after me, and slam the door shut. Hard.

SAFE.

"Naruto? What are you doing?" The voice is coming from behind me. I turn around and…

There's dad! My dear sweet innocent dad. Gosh I'm feeling so emotional right now. Knowing that I almost didn't get to see him for one last time. But I'm a man. So I choke down my tears. Got to deal with civilians first.

Dad's standing in the middle of the hallway, with a cute teddy bear apron that I made for him in kindergarten on. And he's got this confused look on his face. I don't see the boyfriend with him, I hear anyone else in the house for that matter.

"Naruto? He enquires, "are you okay?"

I admit that I probably don't look okay. I'm collapsed in the main hallway of the cozily small house, and trying to catch my breath. I'm about to say "yeah fine!" but then there's scratching at the door.

"Shoot! The locks!"

In two seconds flat, all three locks on the front door have been secured.

My dad's still giving me his clueless "what are you doing?" look.

I sigh a bit. This is going to be a toughie. My dad's always thought that Sasuke was a good kid, even though they've only met once. And only for five minutes. But then again my dad's also really naïve. I don't think he's ever even done "it" before. Or even jacked off to be honest. It's really really scary.

There's some more scratching, and the door bell rings. Dad reaches towards the door.

"WAIT! Dad NO!" I grab his arm before he can touch the knob, and pull him down into a crouching position.

So maybe that wasn't the best way to let him off.

He gives a startled yelp, and then, once he'd been safely pushed behind the couch, he fixes me with a stern glare, and in his teacher voice demands "tell me what is going on right now naruto. What. Did. You. Do."

Oh ouch. It hurts you know. Knowing that your parents don't trust you.

I sigh and whisper in a hushed, but urgent way "Listen up dad, This time it's not my fault. You've met my boss right? Uchiha Sasuke?"

He gives a skeptical nod.

"yeah what abou----"

I slap a hand over his mouth.

"you have to whisper!"

He rolls his eyes.

"yeah what about him?"

"okay.. "I take, a deep breath. "you ready?" I give him the most serious stare I can muster.

"well… yes." Dad nods uncertainly.

Well here it goes.

"okay. So, truth is, he's this huge psychopath that's been trying to kill me since a month ago with this knife that he keeps in his breast pocket and then, today, he stalked me over here, and tried to run me over with his posh car, then just a second ago, he tried to blow me and my car to Timbuktu with a grenade. And now," I sigh "he's behind our front door ready to hack it down with his Freddy Kruger nails!"The words come tumbling out of my mouth one after the other in a torrent of sentences and nonsensical words..

My dad's giving me this blank stare.

"Naruto" he begins solemnly, "do you need to tell me something?"

"what? No! dad! Seriously! I'm not kidding! He's coming to get us!"

He sighs.

"Naruto, that's just ridiculous. You're being paranoid, and irrational. Why would Uchiha Sasuke come and kill you? And even if he was after you, why would he come kill you on his own? His family's rich enough to pay someone else to do it."

It's disturbing how far my father's thought into this. The entire "their rich enough for some else to do it, nya nananya nah.". And I am not irrational!

Does NO ONE trust me in this world?

"Well I don't know!" I shoot back at him. "why would you invite me tonight knowing I'm going to ruin your relationship?"

Dad blushes.

Well that's not right.

Isn't he supposed to be hissing at me with his "eyes flashing in indignation"? or "clenching his fist till his knuckles turned white, suppressing his desire to slap me across the cheek"?

His blushing almost makes him look kind of….

Guilty.

"Oh my god what did you do." I hear my self ask.

He raises his hands in defense.

"nothing! You're an important part of my life. And so is he. It's only right that you two get to know each other. Can't I just have my son over to meet my new boyfriend?"

"no."

"what?"

"no you can't. the only reason you'd want us to meet is if you and he were going to…" I stop, and stare, open mouthed at my dad.

"You wouldn't."

he fidgets.

"well naruto…."

No. way.

The door bell rings again. My dad sighs, relieved for an interruption.

Carefully, he brushes himself off, and rises off the floor.

"We'll talk about this later." And then, just like that, he's headed for the door.

Wait a minute. I think I've just forgotten something vitally important. Like, life-changingly important. As in 'you are going to die if you don't remember' important.

Wasn't I guarding the door just a second ago? Making sure that no one would open it because there's a murderer on the otherside? A murderer like Uchiha Sasuke? The guy who was chasing me here just a second ago?

I almost have it. I know this. Just need to put it all together. Ughh…..

Fuck. It's Uchiha that's on the other side of that door ready to blow my brains out isn't it?

I reach out the grab the tail of my dad's shirt.

"wait dad! No!"

It's too late though. He's already sliding off the last lock, and twisting open the doorknob. For a minute, I regret not having been able to save him, but nevermind that. I curl myself into a ball in preparation for the oncoming shards and blow of the grenade.

Except, there isn't one. I look up. Instead of the psychotic smirk of the one and only Uchiha Sasuke, there's some strange silver haired man with a mask over his face in the doorway rubbing his nose rather forlornly.

Well that doesn't seem quite right.

"Iruka." Says the man in a lazy tone, "that must be your son, Naruto." He gestures at me.

"gotta say you don't make the best first impressions."

My dad turns to me, and sends me the most terrifying 'you-are-going-to-die-tonight' look. But I'm not really paying attention. I'm too busy considering how sasuke turned into… well, that.

It just doesn't make sense.

Unless he dyed his hair, styled it to stick straight up, and had some major plastic surgery done in the past week.

My father gives a defeated sigh, and pulls me up.

"Naruto, meet my boyfriend."

And plastic sugery means lots and lots of money. Which means some great big bucks that were supposed to go to my raise were just wasted on his fac—

Wait what? WHAT did he just say?

Did he just say boyfriend? As in the type that you kiss and make out with? THAT kind of boyfriend?

Holy crap. Sasuke is dad's boyfriend? Nooooo. No. no. This is an absolute nightmare.

Did I just die from hoping the boyfriend would undergo some deeply traumatic accidents? Is this KARMA? Am I in Naruto hell? Did santa claus just label me NAUGHTY and push me down the one way chute straight into the devils fiery chasm? What is wrong with my life?

"Kakashi. He works at Konoha inc., you know, the partner of Uchiha corps? He does communication between your two companies."

Oh. Ohhhhhhh.

So he's not sasuke.

See, now it makes sense.

* * *

So, kakashi turns out to be pretty decent.

I mean, even though I've told all our family secrets (and our neighbor's), the guy has stayed, surprisingly, put, eating his meatloaf. Which is really amazing.

Either the man's learned to tune me out, or he's a freaking god.

He also forgave me for shoving the door in his face, as well as the part where I stopped my car and started cussing him out. So we are totally cool.

We're so cool, that he even understood why I thought that him opening his car door was him unhooking a grenade.

Although he is under the wrong impression that I'm a dumb, illogical, and paranoid brat. But screw that. I haven't chased him out yet!

Whatever his deal is, I'm won over. I mean, how often, is dad going to find a partner who doesn't run out within two seconds of meeting me?

Although it is kind of awkward when he pulls out his pink porno "Icha Icha paradise" for apparently no reason whatsoever. And it's also insanely weird how even though his food keeps disappearing off his plate, I have never once seen him without the mask. It's like he's feeding his bellybutton or something. Maybe he's got a second mouth on his forehead.

"Naruto, kakashi actually used to teach your boss Sasuke." My dad mentions suddenly, when serves up seconds.

I stop, in the middle of stuffing asparagus down my throat.

"fefffsa lfeeeefs fiiiis?"

Oh. That didn't sound anything like what I meant to say.

"yes naruto. As in Uchiha Sasuke." Dad responds.

Good ol'dad. Always knows what a boy's saying when he's shoveling his greens in.

I swallow.

"Hold up. You" I point at kakashi "taught my boss. THE uchiha sasuke."

The masked man takes a minute to think.

"well if you put it that way, yeah."

"you're the real deal? No pranks? No trying to get famous? No lying?"

"mmhmm taught him everything a man needs to know. From A to Z. How to flick open a girls bra with one finger, how to run a company, how to face the media, how to promote partnerships, how have sex, how to go down on a guy, how to cook, how to clean, how to live by himself, everything. I taught him all."

Holy mother of fuck.

How to go down on a guy? Really? Now that's just… well, mind blowing. Or cock blowing in Sasuke's case.

"did he really give a guy a blow job?" I ask, curiously. Dad sputters and chokes on his wine across the table.

"yeah", kakashi answers easily, "Oorochimaru said cover A to Z, and A to Z I covered." He cuts a slice of his meatloaf, and puts it in his mouth. "by the way, this is delicious iruka."

"thank yo—"

"So did he suck your cock?" I ask, curious for more. Dad chokes again.

Man, he's really having trouble downing the alcohol tonight. I hand him a napkin.

"Naruto," Dad begins, after accepting the napkin and wiping his face with it, "maybe---"

"no, he sucked a dildo." Kakashi interrupts, smoothly.

Figures.

"well wouldn't it have been easier to have sucked a real one?"

"yes." He remained unfazed.

"Then why didn't he suck a real one?"

"because there wasn't a real one around to suck."

"You were around him."

He raises an eyebrow.

"so?"

"so why not yours?"

"because I didn't want mine sucked."

"why not?"

"well, it wouldn't have been right."

"but why?"

Kakashi gives a harassed sigh., and mumbles something that sounds a whole lot like "geez what an annoying kid" under his breath. He stands up.

"because I already have someone" he reaches towards dads face and pulls him up by the chin "very", and hovers his own face over dad's. "very" he pulls down the mask briefly "precious to me." And he kisses dad right then and there.

After about one minute, the two finally come up for air. Dad can barely stand, and kakashi smiling like a goon.

"any more questions?" kakashi asks brightly, looking replenished from the kiss. Dad looks like he's about to burst into flames.

I can actually hear a million cupids shooting me with guilt arrows labeled "the insensitive asshole that is going to break this great couple up. KILL HIM." Right now.

Meep.

"No, not really." I answer, diving back into my meatloaf.

For a moment, there's a stifling silence, the type that crawls all over your skin and squeezes at you throat and chest until someone says something. The type that makes the air grow cold, deathly, frigid, and unbearably painful. The type that turns you food sour until it is thick with discontent and insufferable awkwardness ---

"So is he gay?" I hear myself say, before I can stop myself.

I hear a light clink of silverware hitting the table.

"who knows?" kakashi shrugs. "I did it only because I thought it'd be funny, to see an Uchiha go down on a vibrator." He takes a sip of his wine. "he did it because he didn't know what sex was back then and I told him it was the 'proper way to lick a lollipop'. Plus, I didn't like Orochimaru all that much."

Suddenly, the man looks like a prince in shining armor.

Dad chokes again.

* * *

I can't sleep.

I've been lying in bed with my eyes closed for six hours and I still can't sleep. Although I'm pretty sure I know why, I just can't fix it. I've tried everything from earplugs, to music. It just, doesn't WORK.

You know the cupids that were shooting me during dinner?

Yeah well, they're back. And with a mission, to make sure that I never get to sleep. They've been screaming and pushing and doing all kinds of stuff in my head, so that every time I'm just about to drift of, one of them decides to jump on a pogo stick, and another chooses to start banging cans together.

And I'm almost 100% sure it's to make me say sorry.

Then I told them "hey! I'll say sorry to kakashi and dad tomorrow!"

But nooo, it just has to be right now doesn't it?

Stupid love angels. You better give me a seriously hot wife in the future. Better yet, just give me sakura, then me and you, can at least sign some kind of peace treaty for the rest of my life.

I throw my feet over the edge of the bed, and start trudging out of my old bedroom, through the hallway to dad's room. Kakashi stayed overnight too, so I'm pretty much sure the two of them are sleeping in the same bed.

There's still a whole lot of racket up in my head.

"geez, calm down already, I'm going over to say sorry! You can stop now!" I whisper to the invisible cupids. They don't listen.

Gosh this is really annoying. Maybe they just need to make sure I'm not lying or something.

Dad's bedroom door is right in front of me, looming intimidatingly in before me.

I rub my forehead. Here we go.

I gently push open the door to dad's bedroom. Actually, now that I think of it, the sounds have been getting gradually louder ever since I started walking this way. There's something that sounds like moaning, a lot of heavy breathing, and some creaking.

Nuh-uh. That better not be what I think it is.

I peek around the door.

Five minutes later, I promptly shut it.

Well they weren't banging cans in there but they sure were in the middle of banging something.

* * *

Doggy style.

Definitely did not see that one coming.

I was expecting dad to be more like those innocently naïve porno girls that that go (Not that I think about this kind of stuff. But COME ON. THIS IS MY DAD WE'RE TALKING ABOUT.) :

"nooo! not there! It's dirty! Ahhhh….ahh…."

Or

"ahhhhhh! Something white came out! ahn!"

More likely

"ahh! It feels so good? What is this? What are you doing kakashi? Ahhh…mmm…"

But the

"mooore, more, mooorre" and the "harder! Do it harder!" and "fuck me!" was way beyond my imagination. It's not even outside the box. It's not even outside this world. It honestly beyond the realm of realism.

That was just.

Wow.

The consensuality of it all… down to the very last detail, was just…

Frightening.

I'm trying to freak out. I really am. But, for some reason or the other (maybe because of my lack of sleep) I can't. I'm shocked. Really. On a scale of one to ten of shockingness with 10 being the most shocking and one being the least, this situation scores a big whooping one million eight thousand and sixty two.

And the point is that usually, if you see anything even vaguely pertaining to sex between your dad and his boyfriend, it can leave a pretty damn big mental scar.

I'm sure the scars there, it's just not quite hurting me yet.

But I'm sure it will. Soon. When something starts sawing at it…

"NARUTO!" dad calls from downstairs, "breakfast! We've got pancakes and waffles."

Meh.

"and Ramen!"

OH. Come to papa.

I go barreling down the staircase and practically roll my way into the kitchen, where dad is standing behind the counter, carefully spooning broth into a steaming bowl of noodles.

Now that, is what I call a little piece of heaven.

So what? Ramen's not really your conventional breakfast meal… but sue me if it's not the best tasting one. Seriously. It took me centuries just to convince my father that ramen is a totally legitimate breakfast meal, with the perfect serving of carbohydrates, carbohydrates, and even more carbohydrates. Yum-my. Come to think of it, the last time I had real, non-instant ramen was back in high school when I still lived here.

"Good morning Naruto." Dad turns toward me, a sunny smile spreading widely across his face. He pushed the bowl over the counter and towards me. "here's some homemade beef ramen. Since you haven't had any since you last lived here."

Oh no. I really am going to cry now.

"DAD! I love you!" and then I start wolfing the entire bowl down, without any interruption.

I mean this is kind of weird. Even though dad eventually agreed that ramen could count, as an occasional breakfast meal, he usually encourages me to stay away from it. As in quadruple locked the pantry door so that I couldn't get to it. With iron chains, and some super glue. Actually, one time, he caught me red handed trying to chop the door down with a saw. I almost got away with it, but my hands got stuck on the super glue, and he gave me a huge lecture about why we don't physically harm the house just because we want something badly, while I was still glued. So then, since, the lecture was getting me all down, I tried to faze through the door, like I saw Kitty Pryde do from x-men. Except that doesn't really work when you don't have super powers, so my entire face got stuck to it, as well as my legs, and stomach. And getting myself unstuck…

Well that was just painful.

Absentmindedly, I notice Kakashi come in through the living room archway, and peck dad lightly on the cheek with his, still, suspiciously masked face.

"good morning." He announces, good naturedly, while wrapping a well toned arm around dad's waist. "What are we having?"

"Ramen." I reply.

Kakashi glances at me over dad's shoulder, surprised.

"for breakfast?"

I stop slurping down my noodles.

"Yes for breakfast." I answer, defensively. "Even dad agreed, ya know. That it's a breakfast meal."

At my words, Kakashi turns his head towards dad, and in a barely audible voice, says "What?"

Dad guffaws.

"It's Naruto's favorite food. And since he doesn't get it very often, it's like a treat for him. Right Naruto?"

I nod, enthusiastically over my bowl.

Kakashi wraps his arm tighter around dad's torso, and presses his lips into the shell of dad's ear.

"So it's leverage and bribery huh?"

He earned a hard smack over the head with his words.

I look up.

"whaddya mean leverage and bribery?"

There's a cough, and an awkward silence.

And more silence.

And then some more.

Finally, dad speaks up.

"So, kakashi, up for some ramen this morning?"

"It's different. But sure."

"okay. Which toppings?"

Wait a second.

"some chicken. The seaweed… you pick the rest."

Wait.

a.

second.

"then maybe a boiled egg?"

Did they just…

"that sounds good." Kakashi answers thoughtfully. "pour some teriyaki sauce on that too."

Did they just totally IGNORE my question?

Dad frowns. "that's going to come out funny. The broth is soy sauce based."

They totally just ignored me didn't they?

"hey!" I start, "what do you mean by briber…."

"I don't mind. It'll be something new. You know what? Toss some corn flakes on that too."

Oh no he didn't. oh NO HE DIDN'T.

They're avoiding the question!

"Kakashi!"

Something is up.

"what?" kakashi asks, unconcerned. "you know what you were dealing with when you started dating me."

Dad smiles.

"Of course I did. I was dealing with a crazy, perverted and a bizarre excuse of a hard working man."

Kakashi frowns.

"can't say I really like that impression."

"oh but don't worry." Dad twisted himself around to face his lover, "apparently, something in me found it all very attractive." and pulled his body comfortingly, closer to his. "I think that impression," He pulls his face a miniscule closer to kakashi's, "left quite the imprint on me." And he leaves his lips hovering, tantalizingly, over kakashi's own, masked ones.

Something is so up. But right now, the weird kitchen PDA (in which my father is NOT blushing for whatever god awful reason), is freaking me out. I mean, I can handle kisses, and hugging, and canoddling and stuff like that…

"An imprint huh?" a half crazed grin swept over the silver haired man's face. "In that case why don't I print, and mark a couple more things… and while I'm at it… let me make you a couple more new unforgettable memories, so that you won't forget even in old age."

But this is just flat out foreplay to a porno.

Dad licks his lips.

"that does sound like a very, very, tempting offer… but I have to say… will I actually need to remember all of it in old age?"

Kakashi's one visible eye twinkled.

"good point. We'd probably being even kinkier then, won't we?"

MENTAL IMAGE. VERY VERY BAD MENTAL IMAGE. OMG OLD PEOPLE PORN. OMGLJS:LGJSK.

"with ropes, handcuffs, buttplugs, whips, dildos… and think of the new technology! We'll definitely have fun…" kakashi continued, "Maybe even mechanical tenta—"

"ARGH. SHUT UP YOU WHITE HAIRED PERVERTED HOBO. Just eat your stupid corn flakes ramen and remember that I'M STILL HERE." I hear myself scream.

Dad unwraps himself, blushing, and mumbles a quiet apology, while Kakashi lets out a disappointed sigh.

"I was so close you know." Kakashi told me, dejectedly. "I almost finally had him publically sex me up. He's always too shy. Your dad."

Next thing I know, The man is lying face first on the ground, mumbling semi incoherent words.

I kind of feel bad for kakashi now. Being all beat up and stuff. But I'm just a little too preoccupied with my ramen.

There's a tupperware container full of broth, and another one filled with noodles, tied securely, to the front passenger seat, of my punch buggy. I decided halfway through breakfast that four bowls, just wasn't going to cut it, so obviously, I had to convince dad to make me more. Which surprisingly, he did.

He usually puts up a fight pretty good fight about how unhealthy ramen is, and how under normal circumstances, I should stay away from it.

But this time he didn't.

Which is suspicious.

And very strange.

Something is definitely up.

But I'll figure it out next time I'm here. I've got work on Monday, so I have to head back to the city now.

I clip myself into the driver's seat, and turn my keys. The engine comes roaring back to life, louder than ever.

I wave at dad and kakashi who are standing, rather lovingly, next to each other on the porch.

This is probably the first time that I've felt genuinely happy for dad. He's finally, found someone, who isn't afraid of being near me, or listening to me for that matter. Or maybe kakashi just really doesn't care… or he already knows it all. Either way, I'm happy to see them together.

Really. I'm starting to see the perfect couple in them. As a matter of fact, the entire growing old together thing, looks like it's actually possible for them. Bravo daddy-o. I can kind of start seeing Kakashi as a second, slightly twisted, father figure.

Really. I am, really really, glad to see them together. They're a fantastic couple. I couldn't be happier for them….

They're just so sweet.

Dad and Kakashi wave back at me, with bright smiles on their faces. Until, Kakashi's mask starts to move a little. Or rather, what underneath the mask. His mouth. Dad's smile drops by a mile. Kakashi's mouth moves again, the smile pasted firmly onto his face.

Actually, it kind of looks like he's trying to talk to me.

Well that's funny. I can't hear a thing.

"Sorry what?" I yell, opening the car window, "I didn't catch that! Loud engine!"

I point to the hood of my car.

Kakashi sighs. Dad blushes.

Oh no.

Ohhhh no.

It's that guilty look from last night again.

This is not going to be what I think it is right?

Kakashi starts again.

"I said, In a month, Iruka and I"

I try to shut the window as fast as possible, but the lever gets stuck.

COME ON! Damn it. If I don't hear, then it didn't happen. If I don't hear, then I didn't happen. IF I DON'T HEAR. THEN IT DIDN'T HAPPEN.

"are getting"

Finally! It moves! But unfortunately, since I have the old fashioned stick shift car, the only way I can close the window, is by manually, cranking a lever around in a circle.

Which, by the way takes forever.

If I don't hear, then it didn't happen. If I don't hear, then it didn't happen. If I don't hear, then it didn't HAPPEN.

IT'S ALMOST CLOSED! JUST ONE MORE INCH! ONE MORE PUS—

"Married."

I heard.

It happened.

And yeah.

The scar does hurt.

Oh Fuck.

* * *

Thank you so much for the reviews from last chapter. It's always good to hear somebody's reading, and liking your stories right?

by the way, since i forgot to mention in the last chapter, the very first chapter, is actually a prologue. You don't need to read it to get what's going on in this chapter... and probably most future chapters. The stuff that's covered in the prologue... well. that's also here. so no worries if the prologue just seemed like a huge jumbled mess to you.

anyways, hope you enjoyed this one, and sorry for any grammatical mistakes. I'm too much of a lazy bum to proof read, so if anything sounds weird and awkward... well, that's my tired side talking.

Disclaimer: I do not own any part of the Naruto franchise, the heroes series, star wars movies, or xmen.


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